tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-12649276601723082752011-04-21T13:57:55.260-05:00IS AMERICA READY FOR A NON-HUMAN PRESIDENT? YOU BET!Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.comBlogger451100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-9013690360391012892007-04-03T20:48:00.000-05:002007-04-03T20:51:28.091-05:00

Honestly, this lady just has such great instincts. She's over there in Syria telling them exactly what they want to hear. I'm really really thinking about talking to her about the VP slot. Or definitely a high cabinet post. Secretary of State or something. She's just so terrific.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-90980944752029415652007-04-02T05:42:00.000-05:002007-04-02T05:45:17.030-05:00

Raking in the money, honey. That's what the Clintstones are good at. $36 million in the March quarter alone. Sure Obama had his little tea party with David Geffen. I find more money between the cushions on my couch. And I'm sorry to tell you folks but you know what? People like me. They really do. A lot. And I am going to be a great president. For life.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-70768456709646401652007-03-29T05:44:00.000-05:002007-03-29T06:52:47.531-05:00

All the celebrity lezbos love me. And I look great with a "Save the Planet" bumper sticker on my ass. Yesterday we landed Billie Jean King. Soon we'll have Martina Navratilova and Rosie O'Donnell and those Indigo Girls jumping on Big Mama's gravy train too. You wait and see. Because if you look up "angry feminist" in the dictionary, you'll see my picture.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-43280752301650241672007-03-29T05:41:00.000-05:002007-03-29T05:43:58.372-05:00

That's what I told those dopey muff munchers over at NOW anyway in order to get their endorsement. Ha! Wait and see how much Mama Hillary does for you once she gets into office. Look up "liar," and there's my picture too!

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-33751195837693004492007-03-27T21:00:00.000-05:002007-03-27T21:06:37.155-05:00

Or get a treadmill or something. Man. One of the interns snapped this photo with a camera phone without my knowledge. This was at a shopping plaza in Chappaqua last weekend. I found out they were passing it around on email and writing captions, like "Do you mind if I ASS you a question?" or "Baby's got back." Well, it hurt, but sometimes a girl needs a little kick in the you-know-what. And yes, I

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-61028325268339105022007-03-26T19:11:00.000-05:002007-03-26T19:16:13.944-05:00

We're really working hard to reach out to Muslims early on in the campaign. Here's a photo of Nancy Pelosi and me working the crowd at a rally in Dearborn, Michigan over the weekend. We really cranked it up and got into it, saying stuff like, "Death to America! Death to Israel! We must put an end to the Zionist aggression!" Nancy can even do that Muslim lady yelp, where they go, "

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-2880959880002840802007-03-26T19:07:00.000-05:002007-03-26T19:10:48.389-05:00

We need a cause. A crusade. Gore has this crazy global warming thing. The Republicans have terrorism. Now Edwards has his wife's cancer, the lucky bastard. So I've put my best people on this. We need some big scary invisible danger that could wipe out our entire civilization unless I'm elected presiwoman. Best idea so far is asteroids. Like, they're out there and could smash into us and NASA

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-56793861957135067172007-03-23T07:03:00.000-05:002007-03-23T07:11:47.411-05:00

So Jimmy Carville asked me last night, "What would you do if Bill found out he had incurable cancer?" My answer: "Bill who?" Ha! Do you get it? No really, if Bill had incurable cancer I'm sure I wouldn't just go celebrate right away. First I'd pray that it was testicular cancer so we could have his balls cut off. Then I'd hold some kind of pious press conference where I'd make him come out and

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-43513703257727022052007-03-23T06:59:00.000-05:002007-03-23T07:02:36.686-05:00

Not that we had anything to do with this. I mean, you can tell this is totally grass roots. Mostly by the really "edgy" tone. I think it's fantastic. I really, really laughed. Not my fake laugh but a real one, which I hadn't done in a long time.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-88740258873396898672007-03-22T17:33:00.000-05:002007-03-22T17:36:35.875-05:00

"I'm sorry. You're not going to make it.""That's okay. Neither are you."

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-88541955581970254352007-02-28T12:08:00.000-05:002007-02-28T12:12:12.608-05:00

Well old Bill is a lousy husband but I'll give him this. He knows politics. He's the one who told me all those years ago, keep the money flowing to the Chinese, it'll pay off someday. Well, here we are. And they're tanking the market for us, right on schedule. A few more tremors during the primaries and then as we get into the home stretch we'll take her right down. Nothing like a market crash

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-81655262578430735162007-02-27T11:55:00.001-05:002007-02-27T11:55:57.450-05:00

Check it out. I start singing about halfway through and I must say, I do have a lovely voice.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-9268468434337230852007-02-25T10:35:00.000-05:002007-02-25T10:41:38.159-05:00

Thank God people are finally starting to realize it. Started with this piece we paid Debra Dickerson to write in Salon. I mean, I know what black is, since I'm married to America's first black president. And anyone who's lived our experience as an interracial couple knows that Obama just ain't black. Put it this way. Did he grow up in the South? Does he like to overeat? Does he chase pussy? Is he

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-55590039701042251522007-02-25T10:19:00.000-05:002007-02-25T10:35:11.111-05:00

David Geffen calls me a liar. Wow. David Geffen. A guy who even in Hollywood is considered pond scum. A guy who went to court to keep kids from swimming in the sea or walking on the beach in front of his house. (See here.) Yeah, a real moral authority. He's mad because he tried to pay off my husband, our first black president, to pardon a cop-killing Indian named Leonard Peltier. Right. That's

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-37425401558213368642007-02-19T22:15:00.000-05:002007-02-19T22:17:59.030-05:00

Goddamn you racist South Carolina white people with your fucking racist flag. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Don't vote for me. You know what? I don't want your racist votes. That's right. You heard me. Go vote for Republicans. Phew! Sooner I get out of this goddamn hillbilly state the better. And I'm gonna throw out these shoes. There. I said it.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-91310963841332062632007-02-19T22:09:00.000-05:002007-02-19T22:11:57.072-05:00

No, honestly. It's one of the things we pick up most frequently in our polling. I just don't get it. Because I work so hard at trying to seem sincere. I mean, I really, really work at it. And frankly, I like to think I'm pretty convincing.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-63933501630197562532007-02-19T08:51:00.000-05:002007-02-19T08:54:50.024-05:00

I know, you've heard all sorts of bad stuff about me. But come on, Republicans. You know, deep down, that I'm one of you. I voted for the war in Iraq. And as president I'll send even more troops over there and get the job done right. Despite what you've heard, I'm not pro abortion. In fact I'm against abortion. But, well, I've said what I had to say to get into office. Remind you of anyone? Like,

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-37545296162694147652007-02-18T17:20:00.000-05:002007-02-18T17:28:24.402-05:00

I'm also not going to admit I made a mistake. Look. It's a trick. And it's being staged by the Repubes. They want me to get pulled left in the primary and then they can call me a flip-flopper. Yes, there are people in my camp who are scared of the Deaniacs and Daily Kos and all those other wacko left-wing freaks, and who think that unless I kiss their commie asses I can't win the primary. Please.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-70853071668615583652007-02-14T08:42:00.000-05:002007-02-14T08:48:31.423-05:00

I'm not making this up. All Mormons wear this special thing called "the Garment." Which is basically a pair of underpants and an undershirt that a 19th-century pioneer might wear. Andrew Sullivan did a whole thing on it last year. And he ran the photo (above) in his blog to give people an idea of what Mormons look like under their clothes. Well, I'm not saying this makes Mitt unfit to be

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-64122502315789164692007-02-11T21:00:00.000-05:002007-02-11T21:07:30.390-05:00

He calls me up a few days ago and he's all outraged because in some radio interview about the big snowstorms in upstate New York I said something about cars sliding on black ice. "That's racist!" he tells me. "Black ice? Are you kidding me? How come when you go skating around on the ice at Rockefeller Center, it's just plain old ice, no color. But when someone slides in they car and hit a damn

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-21089465364536178622007-02-09T07:39:00.000-05:002007-02-09T07:51:03.019-05:00

See here in case you missed it. Now let me get this straight. He hires two vulgar skanks without doing any background checks. Then when he finds out about the stuff they've written, it takes him 36 hours to make a decision. And the decision is? To keep them on staff. Seriously? And this spineless pussy thinks people are going to make him the leader of the free world? A guy who can't stand up to a

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-74680965732555439772007-02-08T18:22:00.000-05:002007-02-08T18:04:00.242-05:00

See here. Says I shouldn't wear pants. Should wear skirts instead. Wow. Thanks, Donatella. It's so nice that you're offering to help. You dog-faced skank.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-43756381260651006522007-02-07T21:35:00.000-05:002007-02-09T07:46:56.715-05:00

Look at him, giving me that look. This was at the National Prayer Breakfast a few days ago. Big Mr. I've Been A Senator For Fifteen Minutes And Now I'm Gonna Be President. Just makes me sick to see him lording it over everyone. Especially when I think of what I had to go through, the dues I had to pay to get where I am today. Let's be honest. Obama is a nice enough kid, but he doesn't stand a

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-16099413093096242632007-02-06T17:38:00.000-05:002007-02-06T17:42:03.947-05:00

Check this out. He's in this to win. Riiight. Where have we heard this before? This guy is a regular Joe Biden style plagiarist. Truth is we're not worried about Rudy. He can't suvive the Republican primary. He's pro-choice. He's divorced. He lived with a pair of trannies when his wife threw him out. Worst of all he's Catholic. Which in the worldview of the Repubes is about the same as

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-59724111104362183452007-02-04T22:32:00.000-05:002007-02-04T22:34:36.317-05:00

You know, I'm really sad that my beloved Bears lost the game. But I'm even sadder for the thousands of women in America who will suffer domestic abuse tonight. When I'm president, we'll stop this. I promise.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-83239460403679659032007-02-04T22:25:00.000-05:002007-02-04T22:26:07.173-05:00

Involves putting satellites into space and spinning the earth backward in time, to before the Industrial Revolution, then starting over using wind and solar power instead of oil. It's complicated, but I've already got a panel of top scientists and campaign donors working on it in secret; full report should be out in 2010 and then we'll hit the ground running.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-32573175015535745412007-02-04T22:05:00.000-05:002007-02-04T22:31:15.714-05:00

These fucking hecklers are driving me nuts. Like I told these leftie wingnuts, look, I'm not the one who started this fucking war. Yes, I voted for it. But I didn't start it. And now I'm against it. And if the Monkey can't get us out of there before I'm elected, well, it'll be the first thing I do. Right after I give gays the right to marry and serve in the military, and institute free health

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-26365280347413893092007-02-01T07:40:00.000-05:002007-02-01T07:42:14.621-05:00

Poor guy. Who can blame him? It's like working for Jesse Ventura. You never know what the crazy buffoon is gonna say next. Overnight polls show Paris Hilton has a better chance of becoming president than Joe "I like clean blacks" Biden. Sheesh.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-51833670524594222382007-02-01T07:12:00.000-05:002007-02-01T10:12:12.450-05:00

Poor crazy bastard. He called me last night. Collect. From a pay phone. Drunk, of course. So blotto he could barely speak. To be honest even when he's sober I can't understand the guy. He's like Ahmawahmgonnabeonnawityabalahalabaldh... Then he starts crying. He's at a pay phone because he lost his Blackberry in a bar, a strip bar of some kind, and now he's afraid someone's got his phone and is

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-54093049853975493532007-01-31T18:06:00.000-05:002007-01-31T18:07:26.381-05:00

It's absolutely offensive. See here and tell me if you don't agree.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-12720301690656103772007-01-31T16:23:00.000-05:002007-01-31T16:30:23.646-05:00

Look. I know everyone is scared. But before we go jumping to conclusions, I think we'd better stop and ask a few questions. First of all, why did these men turn to terrorism, if in fact that's what they did? Why are they so angry? What makes them so hateful? I think we all need to look inside ourselves and try to come up with a bigger answer on this one. For one thing, look at the way these

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-50500165273481684402007-01-31T16:13:00.000-05:002007-02-01T10:16:02.145-05:00

But Allah be praised, he just did the job for us. First he went out and offended all the Indians with his videotaped comments about convenience stores. Now see here where he praises Barack Obama as being a black dude who is also "clean" and "articulate." Shocking, right? Money quote: “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-15777750904333652602007-01-31T15:48:00.000-05:002007-01-31T15:56:29.948-05:00

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a person of color. I mean, wow. Can you imagine this weenie telling you that you seem phony? Look at that dumbass smirk. This guy's got a slot in the back of his head where you drop in dollar bills to make him say whatever you want.Oh then he backs off and says he doesn't think I'm insincere. No, not at all. It's just that this is what he and Carville found

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-14456675724395614432007-01-30T10:45:00.000-05:002007-02-04T22:21:06.669-05:00

Marry them. Pow! My first foray into comedy went really, really well, don't you think? I'm trying to show my softer side, my funny side. I want people to see that I'm human. I'm just like them. Only way smarter and willing to knife you if you get in my way.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-19813088868831359612007-01-26T10:33:00.000-05:002007-01-26T11:26:14.582-05:00

A young woman keeps showing up around me. At my apartment. At the house in Chappaqua. At campaign stops. This kind of thing happens more often than you'd imagine, just ask anyone in public life. They always have a story of some sort. This one believes she's my daughter, and keeps demanding to be let through security. Says she needs to talk to me about something, or wants to come over for the

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-42490142910047442872007-01-26T08:00:00.000-05:002007-01-26T08:06:23.655-05:00

Talk about fifteen minutes of fame. New Time poll shows me 19 points ahead of the boy wonder. And consider this. Barack's numbers today are as high as they're ever gonna get. Cause he's an unknown quantity. The more people get to know him, the more the numbers will come down. You wait and see. Look at little Miss Sweetheart, John Edwards, with his smarmy grin and his 11 percent. Who on earth is

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-11984627252609842182007-01-26T07:57:00.000-05:002007-01-26T10:32:22.143-05:00

Great. Liz Taylor is endorsing me. Can someone please find a way to shut this old bag up? I mean who's next? Michael Jackson? Do I really need to explain this stuff to you people? Jesus! And where the fuck is my coffee? Black, eight Splendas. Do I have to go make it myself?

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-3650011698191408462007-01-24T21:51:00.000-05:002007-01-24T22:02:20.254-05:00

Story behind the story. Carville and Begala paid him a little visit. Showed him the photos we had in our dossier. No, not hooker shots. Just pix like this one here in the bunny suit. And the ones of him windsurfing. And snowboarding. And duck hunting. And playing his stupid guitar. And saluting when he "reported for duty." And throwing a baseball, looking like a girl. Then they sat him down and

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-38413955482009655192007-01-24T12:47:00.000-05:002007-01-24T22:03:47.790-05:00

This is my "soft" look. I know: If only, right?

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-20833734471370075752007-01-24T09:05:00.000-05:002007-01-24T13:20:52.042-05:00

Of course there was the usual bittersweet sadness about not being able to be together openly, but we are both big girls and we realize that reality is what reality is. And then also there is always the sweet girlish perfection of just spending time together, holding hands, cuddling, drinking hot cocoa and planning our future, with me in the White House and D. right by my side, though off behind a

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-122221758292923242007-01-24T07:58:00.001-05:002007-01-24T08:00:01.958-05:00

Here's my good friend and future human sacrifice John McCain snoozing during the big speech last night. How's he do it? He takes Ambien. God how I wish I had thought of this.

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-84087906226699463352007-01-24T07:47:00.000-05:002007-01-24T09:25:06.642-05:00

People ask me how I kept from screaming last night while listening to the Monkey ramble on about all his big ideas. Frankly I don't even know. Every time I listen to him I feel like I'm Charlton Heston, being held prisoner on the ape planet and listening to the fucking chimps go on about some big new plan. "Well, we got ourselves into a war with the monkeys, and now it's not going so well, so

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-56598190792550211412007-01-23T08:22:00.000-05:002007-01-24T13:11:42.771-05:00

I like Barack Obama. I really do. And I think all this business about him attending a radical Muslim madrassa is just not relevant. The American people don't care if Barack Obama went to a radical Muslim school run by terrorists who want to destroy our country. They just don't. Sadly, however, this kind of smear is what we have to expect these days thanks to the Republican party and its politics

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-68845581031194461712007-01-22T13:55:00.000-05:002007-01-24T09:49:13.313-05:00

Two days into this stupid lame-ass "listening tour" and I feel like my fucking ears are gonna fall off. Whose idea was this? Jesus. Do you realize how absolutely stupid 99% of the population actually is? I mean like animal stupid. And lucky me gets to sit there and listen to Ma and Pa Kettle ramble on about what they want from their government. One of them today was talking about fucking leash

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1264927660172308275.post-37234304578527575552007-01-22T12:56:00.000-05:002007-01-23T16:30:40.823-05:00

And by "it," I mean the presidential election. That's right. Take a good long look at those sexy eyes, that fetching fake smile. Like it or not, I'm going to be your next president. And look -- I'm not stupid. I know people don’t like me. But whatever. Who else are you going to nominate? John Kerry? Al Gore? God help you if either of those bozos takes over. Jesus fucking Christ. John Edwards? One

Hillaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07288523618112020778noreply@blogger.com0